By Julie Jargon
Melanie Parker had a difficult labor with the birth of her first baby in August and was grieving because she wasn't able to hold and nurse her baby immediately after her emergency C-section.
To find solace, she followed a lot of new mothers on Instagram, and saw a post from a woman who'd had a similar birth experience: a photo showing the woman separated from her newborn by a plastic sheet. But Ms. Parker's heart sank when she read a comment beneath the picture: "I can't even imagine not being able to hold and nurse my baby."
"Mom-shaming isn't always overt," said Ms. Parker, who works in financial services in New York. "It's often that side comment that feels like your truth but comes out as judgment." She deleted her Instagram account.
Among the things women learn about when they have their first baby are all the social-media groups for new moms. The online communities, which once supplemented in-person meetups, have become the primary source of information and connection for many during the pandemic.
But some of the groups women have turned to for support and camaraderie have left them feeling even more isolated. Age-old debates over best parenting practices are becoming more heated, according to some moms. Fortunately, there are alternative apps and services designed to reduce toxicity. (I've listed a few below.)
After Hannah Howard had her first baby last April, she and her husband, Anthony Mulira, like many parents, struggled to get their baby to sleep. They tried everything from cuddling her to letting her cry it out, but nothing was working.
In normal times, Ms. Howard might have talked about the bedtime struggles with other new moms during stroller walks in the park or at mommy-and-me classes. But everything had shut down in the weeks before her baby was born, and the family quarantined with her parents in New Jersey.
Browsing a forum on sleeping in the What to Expect app, Ms. Howard, a Brooklyn-based food writer, came across a post from a woman who wrote, "I will never mom-shame anyone for their decisions in parenting. However..."
It went on to detail the supposed negative effects of letting babies cry. As she read on, Ms. Howard felt increasingly bad about her own experiments with sleep training, even though many top pediatric sleep experts say it's fine to let babies cry for a certain period.
From there, Ms. Howard said, she went down a rabbit hole of mom's groups on Facebook and Instagram, only to find more haughty, judgmental chatter.
Christine Mattheis, a vice president at What to Expect, said, "The What to Expect Community was created to be a supportive place where parents can share joys and concerns with others going through similar experiences. That said, we know becoming a parent is a stressful time for all -- especially over the last year -- and sometimes emotions can run high." She continued, "Our team of moderators works around the clock to address situations that violate our rules so that conversations can get back on track to being supportive."
Facebook said it provides group administrators and moderators with a number of tools to manage their groups and prevent conflict. Facebook also encourages members of groups to report abusive posts and to block such people so they can't view things the reporting member shares in the group.
SheRae Hunter, a photographer in Winchester, Va., had her fourth child in December 2019 and says she has found some Facebook mom groups to be increasingly toxic. "Asking a question in those groups is opening the door to feeling inadequate," she said. The most heated discussions she has seen have been around vaccines, discipline and food.
She belonged to a Facebook group for mothers interested in natural foods. Women often came to the group seeking natural remedies for various childhood ailments like skin rashes. Ms. Hunter said someone would always comment that vaccines were the cause, which would kick off a discussion about whether vaccines cause autism, although there is no credible link. Ms. Hunter, whose son has autism, found such comments to be hurtful. "It wasn't good for me, so I started to get away from those groups," she said.
Conz Preti, a mother of three and content director at lifestyle brand Motherly, has worked in social media for more than a decade and said she also has noticed a big shift in the past year.
"There are way more fights in the 2020 groups I joined compared to the 2018 groups. There's a lot more drama and conflict," she said. "We've all been isolated for a long time, and everyone is on edge and tired, especially moms."
About three months ago, she posted a question to one group about what size shoes her babies should be wearing. "Someone said, 'Shoes? Why? Where are you going? You're supposed to stay home,' " she recalled. "Something very insignificant turned into this whole argument."
More recently, a mother posted a photo of her 1-year-old biting an apple. Other moms chided her for doing that, saying it's a choking hazard. The woman had to respond that her pediatrician said it was fine.
Ms. Preti decided to leave many of the Facebook groups. "I don't need more drama," she said.
New mothers are especially vulnerable to psychological harm when experiencing judgment, said Chitra Akileswaran, vice chair of obstetrics and gynecology at Alameda Health System in the San Francisco Bay Area and co-founder of family benefits platform Cleo Labs Inc.
"Large forums with parents always have a tendency to regress to the most judgmental perspective," she said. "Large forums with no moderation are where moms are most likely to be hurt."
Having a baby during the pandemic has created an entirely new degree of isolation that has taken a toll on women's mental health. A recent study involving more than 1,000 pregnant and postpartum women found that during the pandemic, 36% reported clinically significant levels of depression. Before the pandemic, the number of women diagnosed with perinatal depression was around 20%, according to the study's authors.
Ms. Howard, the Brooklyn mother, didn't quit the forums, but she is learning to approach them with more caution.
"I very slowly have been learning to stop seeking validation from these groups and to trust what seems to be working," Ms. Howard said. "I definitely still poke around from time to time, but more confidence came from seeing my baby growing, happy and sleeping somewhat better."
She also had a better experience when she joined a smaller neighborhood group called Park Slope Parents, which she says is well moderated and friendly.
What You Can Do
As Ms. Howard discovered, smaller social networks are promising moms a kinder alternative to large forums and often act to mitigate negativity. Here are a few.
Peanut . This app for hopeful and expectant mothers, and moms of all stages, uses AI to flag language that contains negative sentiments. If someone's post is flagged, they are given an opportunity to rephrase it to be more supportive.
Taavi . An iOS app created by a mom who was tired of so much judgment and mom-shaming, it connects women based on where they are in pregnancy or motherhood, and puts them in groups with no more than 15 members.
Band of Mothers. This platform for moms includes a podcast, a comedy show and an online marketplace, and it has an app it describes as a "safe space for moms," with a zero-tolerance policy for bullies.
SocialMama . This app says it maintains a "supportive, judgment-free mom community" and facilitates friendships through profile matching. It also provides free access to mental-health and family-medicine experts.
HeyMama . Though it is a professional networking platform for working mothers, many use it to seek advice about infant care and other personal issues. There is an application process and membership fees. (Full disclosure: I am a member.)
Friended . While not geared specifically to mothers, many have turned to this app to find answers to parenting questions. There are no group conversations in the app; all contact is one on one. Users must take a kindness pledge.
Write to Julie Jargon at julie.jargon@wsj.com
(END) Dow Jones Newswires
02-20-21 0914ET
